What's in a name?

"That which we call a pale ale by any other name should still have strong aroma hops with citrus-filled notes derived from heavy Cascade hopping late added to the wert boil." Shakespeare

Fine, it's a paraphrase, but I guarantee you one bajillion percent that if ol' Billy was alive today, he would've been as enamored with home brewing as he was with people killing themselves for dramatic effect. Lord knows I am. And while his above adapted 'rose' soliloquy applied to beer judging then the world would be a very simple place indeed.

Sadly, Bill was not to my knowledge a homebrewer, and you really should know your beer name. Yesterday I started reviewing what materials I'll need for my upcoming BJCP beer judge certification exam in September. Turns out...it's a lot. My spirit was uplifted to learn that the exam is very rigidly structured, so you'll know exactly what types of questions will be asked of you at every turn. My spirit was then dashed against the rocks, and my heart made to feel all the worse for having been lifted so high before falling so far to my sudsy demise, when I then opened the "beer styles" pdf and realized it was 80 pages long. I need to learn 80 fucking STYLES - that's not even to say of the hundreds of commercial examples I will need to be able to categorize into these styles, the various chemical and physical properties of each style, and the ability to correctly and blindly taste test and identify the aroma, appearance, flavor and mouthfeel of each beer!

Ignoring for now the obvious punnery that can arise out of the term "mouthfeel", I gotta admit I'm a little frightened. While participating in a ridiculously victorious trivia effort yesterday (wherein we lapped the competition, leading all teams and winning by a 130 point margin), I walked up to the bar to order a pitcher for my teammates and I saw a dozen or so tap handles staring me in the face, all screeching out "na-na-na-na boo boo, you don't know what we aaaaare". They were right! I had no clue what these beers were, let alone how they should taste or how I could possibly judge them. I panicked and nearly ordered Miller Lite, but I pushed on and made my way down the bar to figure out what I wanted. Prohibition Ale? I mean, I knew I could order that and satisfy the needs of my drinking partners, but I wanted to look important and knowledgeable. I failed to be either however when I snagged the random IPA at the end of the bar simply because the tap had a label that said "IPA" and I was afraid to guess as to what I might get otherwise.

Sure, the IPA was tasty...but as I sat there sipping and trying to figure out what sort of criteria upon which I could judge this tasty pint, I realized that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. Better hit the books! I'll be downloading PDFs all night and trying desperately to find a local study course for this thing... cause kids, right now, I'm in a nice position to fail spectacularly.
When it comes time for the essays, if I really find myself in a pinch I suppose I can start quoting Shakespeare randomly and push for the "by any other name" angle. Something tells me they won't buy it.