The Sock Conundrum

"Those who never philosophized until they met with disappointments, have mostly become disappointed philosophers." Arthur Helps

Now, if you told me when I was a heady young child that I would one day look forward to receiving a pair of socks for the holidays, I would've slapped you square in the face. Metaphorically speaking of course, as I was the rare and undesirable combination of short, fat, weak and terribly shy. A few things have changed since then...I'm slightly less short and markedly less fat (but still joyously huggable for the holidays), and despite having suffered a brand of muscle atrophy normally reserved for invalids and shut-ins over the past 18 months due to my only-partially-by-choice sedentary lifestyle, I overcome the boundaries set for me by physical weakness with an unbridled sense of invincibility and confidence - often aided by heavy drinking of course. While most of these changes are expected growth patterns associated with "being an adult", I'm still saddened by the fact that I would receive a hosierious gift with open excitement. I mean, I really need some socks people.

The so-called Sock Conundrum - whether or not I'm to be happy with the receipt of a sealed off set of cotton tubes into which I might stick my tootsies when as a child I'd be appalled at such a notion - is translatable to any sort of gift of utility that in our younger days would be considered unacceptable. A tie, a sweater, a phone charger, 200-count ibuprofen packages, whatever... the point is that as soon as these things weren't just provided for me by my parents, I realized how much I really liked having them and how I needed to actively procure them for myself during the course of an otherwise busy day.

Brewmaster Marshall and I spent a good portion of yesterday evening discussing this and other Brewmaster-type problems (What type of beer should we make next? Why aren't more people out drinking on a Monday night? Why is that guy passed out in a tree planter? Why did we get into a tickle fight with that bouncer?) and I think we've both come to terms with being happy about getting socks. I don't get that sense of disappointment that would've hung over the evening like a bunch of ill-mannered frat boys around a game of naked Photo Hunt, in fact, I think I'm quite thankful to get anything for free, let alone some pretty righteous socks. Once I stopped worrying about what I'll be when I grow up and started worrying about having to actually grow up, present-disappointment became less of an issue.

Lucky for all you brew-thusiasts out there, you'll never have to be disappointed with your joyous receipts from the EVBC. B.M. and I recently picked up the next batch of grains and what not for Brewmaggedon 3, Son of Brewmaggedon, and a kick-ass Trapist style white ale is just a few delicious weeks away! We're already setting up shop for Poppin Bottles Deux (date forthcoming) and we can't wait to shower our fans with presents and of course, delicious tasty homebrew. Until then, kids, enjoy your holiday gifts and say thanks to everyone nice enough to get you something- even if it was just a pair of socks.

Merry X-mas, Brewthusiasts!!!

Ho ho ho, kids! I hit up Mr. Santa T's beeper and he hit me back with a complex string of numerical codes which informed me which of you have been naughty and which have been nice... but it breaks down pretty clearly along these lines:

Nice - fans of the EVBC on facebook and/or attended the Poppin Bottles party.

Naughty - Failed to be dutiful fans and/or gave me dirty looks at the Poppin Bottles party (lookin at you, Mike)

But, being the benevolent Brewmasters we are, Marshall and I are happy to forgive and forget! We got a new batch bottled up and nearly ready for consumption (look for party notifications soon) and we're still clipping along on the Facebook front.

For now, enjoy the holiday season - hopefully you all get some time away from the office, a couple long overdue fights with your family and a healthy dose of self-conscious over eating with the promise of a dietary change beginning January 1st...which clearly justifies eating that extra gingerbread cookie and plate of Christmas turducken.

Brewey Brewmas to all, and to all some good beer!

EVBC HQ Status Report - like an 8-k for your liver!

Greetings, fellow brew-thusiasts! We here at the East Village Brewing Company could not be happier with our friggin' awesome Poppin Bottles party last Thursday evening! To all those who attended, your Brewmasters once again wish to extend a drunken thank you in the form of an increasingly complicated fist bump/handshake.

To all those who did not make it, either due to waning fan-dom or to waxing work loads, fear not - Brewmaster Marshall and I were so impressed with how well round one went that we're hotly anticipating a Poppin Bottles redux in early January. Now that the last of the Stuy Town Nut Brown bottles from our uber-successful roll-out party last Thursday have been cleared and the counters of EVBC HQ finally wiped down to make room for bags of Chinese take-out and empty hummus containers, we can turn our attention to things to come - in other words, a bit of a 'how we doin' status report.

1. "Jeez guys, this isn't the worst beer I've ever had!" - Thanks! Yes, its true, people seemed to actually LIKE the beer! That warms our East Village hearts...we want to do our brand proud, after all. General consensus is that we had pretty well approximated a Newcastle-style flavor and consistency, which was the overall goal. Mission accomplished!

2. "So when the hell is my next batch ready?" - Keep your pants on, drunky, it'll be all set right in time for B.M.'s birthday in early January! Remember, you NEVER ask a Brewmaster his age... but to give you a hint, he's turning 20-beautiful. We moved the Irish Red ale we've been working on over to the secondary fermenter just this past weekend and it's lookin mighty fine. Avenue A-le is go - Mission accomplished!

3. "Brewmaster Eric, we find your blog to be thoroughly entertaining and we love being a fan of the EVBC on Facebook. You provide me with some awesome brewing knowledge while at the same time engage me intellectually and emotionally with your heartsome discourse." Didn't really hear a question in there, but thanks! We love having all you Tastemasters and Tastemistresses along for the ride... In fact, we're right up to nearly 80 fans on Facebook! I'd love to get up to 100 by the New Year's Eve EVBC Holiday Party so our marketing team will have something to celebrate. Our latest buzz-media attacks have been slow to grow (Twitter fail!) and they're feeling sad. So, tell your friends, tell your loved ones, and tell those extended network people who honestly just love posting shit in their Facebook page to sign up by searching for us at 'East Village Brewing Company'. Together WE CAN hit 100 fans by New Years! Mission Accomplished!!!

Let's get Topical, Topical...I wanna get Topicaaaaal!

Brewmaster Marshall and I consider ourselves men about town... Sure, we're busy bees with all the normal goings on but we're nothing if we don't keep up with pop culture. Whether we're attending super fly dj parties in Billyburg or getting in touch with the 'normals' at the Jimmy V basketball classic at MSG, we're dope mother f-ers. That's why I keep my finger on the pulse of the city...you know, make sure it feels ok, send it funny text messages like "where r u, iz in ur kizchn, eatsin ur pad tie!" or just staring at it longingly through the window with some sweet night vision goggles I picked up on eBay. You know, cause we're cool and junk.

And everyone in the know makes sure to check their NYAM Bits O' Buzz column cause that's where the hottest of the hot get their info. Needless to say, I was pretty cheesed off when I saw that Tila Tequila made it back into the headlines but our awesome Poppin' Bottles party didn't get any coverage! Tila's gone from MySpace hottie to boob tube superstar to Shawn Merriman lawsuit maker to virtual obscurity, but she's back and she's gettin hitched. Anyways, we here at the East Village Brewing Company wish her and her new partner-to-be all the best - we're just bitter we got snubbed AGAIN by the free commuter news dailies. The good news however is that EVBC breaks open its first batch of Stuy Town Nut Brown this evening, 8pm at EVBC HQ!! Even if it's not news that's fit to print, its surely worth blogging about!

Nearly as exciting? I think B.M. and I will be entering this Saturday's 'Best Dance Crew' open calls and we need a few pop-n-lockers to help round out the team. I can do a pretty sick head spin, and I was an underprivileged youth who found that through dancing I could save my embattled community center from the sinister grasp of some local business developers. Marshall can literally do two flips in the air from the second position while wearing his sweet Air Force Ones that he scammed off the back of a truck. We'll probably need a couple sassy ladies and at least one break dancing Asian dude to pull this off. Jinwoo, looking in your direction buddy...

So come one, come all - EVBC Poppin Bottles Party/Dance Crew Tryouts, Tonight at 8pm!

And now, here's something we hope you'll really like!

Thanks to Thrillist and the ever watchful eyes of Tastemistress Purvi, EVBC HQ is happy to bring you an entertaining and thought-provoking cartoon about beer fun facts from 'The Oatmeal'. The description of the brewing process is super simplified and quite informative! I strongly encourage you to grow as a person and explore The Oatmeal's other cartoon offerings (Brewmaster's favorites include How to Ride a Pony and How to Tell if your Loved Ones are Planning to Eat You).

Hilarious post theme lost to ages due to whiskey shots

"Listen up, tastemasters and tastemistresses. Our joke has been boozily forgotten for nearly 12 hours. What I want out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every brew house, ale house, slop house and pancake house in the area. Checkpoints go up (and pants down) at fifteen High Lifes. Your fugitive's name is 'hilarious caption for a googled picture of a dude yelling on the phone'. Go get it."

It's true, friends, sad but true. Last night while I lay in bed after a solid night of mild boozery, I thought up what I was sure was the funniest goddam caption for this random picture I have. I downloaded said image a few weeks back and have been waiting to unleash it upon the word with a clever caption and post theme that would result in laughing fits, sides split, world peace and possibly some sort of hilarious writing fellowship with the Onion. Yes, it was that good.

As I drifted near to sleep, I even contemplated getting up to write said joke down. I said to myself, "Brewmaster Eric, you handsome bastard, you've done it again. With your wit and charm it is a crime that you haven't been exhalted by the masses as a literary genius whose jocularity is matched only by the great comedians of yore. Without you, we'd be lost as a society and frankly, without the East Village Brewing Company my life as I know it might as well be forfeit. Praps you should get up and jot down your latest musings so as to ensure their preservation for the ages, thus may others enjoy your humor as you do."

I made some pretty strong points. I considered them, rolled them about in my head, and being the dutiful Brewmaster I am, scaled them against their counter-arguments to make sure that getting up to write this caption down would be best. My brazen response - "fuck it, I'm sure I'll remember it tomorrow. I'll just repeat it to myself three times to be sure."

Friends, I'm pretty sure I didn't even bother repeating it to myself. What gall! Ever the faithful believer that drunk Eric is my friend, I awoke this morning loathe to find not a single scrap of paper marking my hilariosity! Clearly I've angered the beast within...what else could explain my drunken insolence.

Of course, we here at EVBC HQ mourn the loss of any fallen joke - be they forgotten in a whiskey fueled haze, thrown away after being scribbled onto a bar room napkin or lost into the internet ether like so many mis-labeled gmails archived into "Credit Cards/Bills" instead of "EVBC". But our period of sadness cannot last forever...nay, the joke would've wanted us to move on. To find happiness. To come up with other jokes...and joke we shall! Many societies mourn with group based cathartic drinking (that's how I approach Jets football as well) - so remember, come one come all to our Poppin Bottles fiasco next Thursday evening, Dec. 10th at Brewmaster Eric's house so we can give this poor lost caption a proper send off.

Let our mumbled boastings, propelled upward by so many popped bottles, guide this caption to joke heaven on brown ale-smelling wings of glory.