Lessons Unlearned

"The measure of a man is what he does with beer floats." Plato

.

What a weekend...I don't know about you, tastemasters, but Brewmasters Marshall and Eric took a low key evening of beer floats and somehow let it get out of hand. Sure, we were mildly concerned when at first only 4 people showed up to our awesome stout and frozen treats party last Saturday (three of which lived at HQ, the other of which was Brewmaster Marshall). Sure, we spent most of the party playing music on mini-tambourines and maracas while watching Teen Wolf 2 on mute. But we soldiered on...besides, what could be better than 4 gallons of ice cream and 2 cases of chilled out stout?

.

Nearly anything, ultimately was the answer. The EVBC learned some valuable lessons about the art of brewing merely by watching the guests craft careful excuses about why they weren't drinking beer floats. "I'm watching my figure," said one particularly svelt looking party guest. "I'm lactose intolerant," said another, playing upon Brewmaster Eric's heartstrings like the finely tuned Stradivarius it is. "Um... it's not kosher..." sputtered a particularly goyish looking Latin fellow, arousing suspicion that perhaps all the guys were dodging telling us the truth.

.

The truth of course being that beer floats are gross.

.

People straight up don't want beer floats. Hell I think even ROOT beer floats push the line of good taste to its breaking point. You know how when you're a kid you think they're awesome but now you don't drink them much anymore? That's cause they're fucking gross. Kids will eat 14 pixie sticks and then puke because they're so excited to see SpongeBob Squarepants that they simply can't help themselves...why in gods name are you listening to kids? Pretend as you will, chic jean'd hipsterati, that you're enjoying that oatmeal stout float after you down a locally raised grass fed tofurkey, swimming au jus in its own sense of self-importance. We've proven scientifically that it's all crap. Down at HQ we're happy to go forward having never again to wonder what that beer float on the dessert menu will be like and if we're better off ordering the apple crisp. We know we're better off ordering the apple crisp. And with all our leftover ice cream from the weekend, we're a la moding that bad boy all the way to the bank.

To (list)Serv Man...

I'm right on top of that, Rose!

Somewhere between hitting refresh on my fantasy baseball homepage every 14 seconds and obsessively trying to get to the second world in Angry Birds on my iphone, I find that I get an email that draws my attention upward towards my monitor with some immediate demand for attention. "Well you are at work," you might offer, assuming incorrectly that I meant a work email that demanded an attentive response. You'd be dreadfully mistaken.

No, in fact, I have found myself signed up for no less than 5 separate beer and brewing related listservs. Over the past couple months, I whipped myself into a frenzy with the dream of running away from my day to day job and entering the heady world of professional brewing...so of course, the only logical thing to do then was to gather information until my brain was so jam packed with useful knowledge that I'd be turning down offers from Sam Adams and Miller Brewing alike. Instead, what I've found is that my gmail inbox gets slammed by a variety of hits everyday, ranging from useful "how to keep your fermenter cool in the summer" strings to slightly less useful "house party at Cincinnati brewery next week." Granted, it's my fault for joining an Ohio based listserv, but still... one cannot be blamed for seeking knowledge.

Everytime my phone jostles against my desk, creating that light fuzzy rumbling that means I've either gotten an important text or someone is spamming me with Viagra sales offers, I find myself cursing my over aggressive listserv signups. The real winner listserv is hands down the New York City Homebrewers Guild which continually puts out some awesome info on how to fix broken batches, or even where you can get some free carboys around the city. They're super interactive and good at geting some info out there in a hurry. Other than that, save your disk space I'd say.

Going forward, tastemasters, I suggest signing up just for that one listserv if you're in desperate want of brewy knowledge. The continual stream of random "have you seen my gasket"'s I've been sifting through shall serve as an electronic albatros to us all. In your zeal for joining organizations, try to show some self restraint.

Don't mess with a brewmaster

Don't mess with a brewmaster when he's not in the mood

he'll sick the hounds of hell on you if he don't like your 'tude

he likes his ale temps steady and he likes his limmericks lewd

but if you mishandle either man he'll jack you up but good

Don't mess with a brewmaster while he's enjoying sports
your scathing"you're still watching this?" is hardly a retort
for when his team is losing best expect his temper short
and with your social norms you cant expect him to comport

Don't mess with a brewmaster when he's been drinking beers

you think you have the jump on him as he wipes off those tears

that were brought on by so drunkenly recounting all his fears

about how he mispitched yeast or how his lagers not quite clear