At yeast I tried...

"Who knows most, speaks yeast." Adapted Spanish Proverb

If you haven't figured it out yet, the theme of this piece is yeast. Yeast is the eukaryotic master stroke given to us from the lord on high to allow ucky sugar to be turned into delicious booze. Liquor, vino, mead, beer, sake - whatever type of sugar bucket you have, we add some yeast in there and sooner or later my friend we got ourselves a party. There's a reason people used to call it "Godisgood" before changing the name to something far less appetizing.

As any diligent homebrewer knows, yeast management is key. You can carefully balance out your grain bill, picking exactly the right amount of pale ale malt to balance out that handful of dark crystal (not to be confused with Dark Crystal, which to this dare scares the living bejesus out of me). You can choose all the right hops, and make sure your fermenter is clean and ready to go. Then you can wait a few weeks, and if you handled the yeast wrong you'll realize that you're still looking at a big bucket of sugar. April fool's jackhole, you failed to make beer!

If you're a knowledgeable brewmaster, you'd know that you simply need to pitch some more yeast, fix the temperature and you'll be on your way to finishing that conversion to delicious, delicious booze. If you're me, however, you'll instead decide "must be done... better bottle it" and end up with the sickliest sweet imperial stout you've ever had.

But good news, tastemasters! In the same vein as our amazingly innovate Light Red Lager (borne of misguided temperature muddling), Brewmaster Marshall and I have invented a delicious desert stout! It's extra sweet to help soften the bite of your flourless chocolate cake. It's super smooth to help calm your tummy after you just had to have that extra slice of bacon. And best of all, we're giving it away at rock bottom prices! Freesies!! Frankly we need to requisition the bottles for future endeavors, so get your hands on it now before its too late, cause now that we've branded it as a custom made desert beer, you're gonna see if fly off the shelves like a Tickle-me-Elmo themed Cabbage Patch kid.

The lesson here? God IS good for providing us with the ability to turn what is essentially a bag of honey into fizzy alcoholic goodness, but it also takes a bit of care on the part of the brewmaster to know how MUCH god we need in the machine. Remember, future brewmasters - yeast is your friend, and when in doubt, add a couple hundred million extra friends into the brew to make sure you get all the booze you desire.